Q&A: How Can I Make A Relationship With A Single Parent Work?

Q: I recently met the man of my dreams. He is successful, funny, smart and super sexy. We met at a club because some of his friends knew some of mine. But nobody was really close enough to really know that much about him (or to tell him that much about me). And so you know, I am in my mid-twenties, moving up the corporate ladder quickly, I love to travel and I am, I must say, really cute and fun. So, after a night of flirting, making out and generally driving each other wild with desire, I suggested we head back to his place (knowing mine’s a mess). I was shocked when he said no...and then even more surprised when he said “we can’t, my son is home with the babysitter.” That took me completely by surprise and I don’t know what to do. He seems to be an amazing guy...but can I date a parent?

A: There are definitely two different stages in life: pre-parenthood and post-parenthood, and there are so many assumptions that come along with both. I think you’ve painted a pretty clear picture of who you are and where you’re coming from. And your trepidation is completely understandable. You’re just getting started, staking your claim to your own life, on your terms and lived however you want. You sound like someone who has goals, but who is also eager to have a lot of fun.

At the same time, you seem to paint the same picture of this fella. You met at a club, you danced and had fun. You had conversations that seem to point to his life successes—you two seem to be a very good match. Except this little matter of him being a father.

I’m not going to sugarcoat this: dating a parent can be a challenge. If you’re coming from a world, or even other relationships where you are the sole interest of your partner, then getting used to a new situation where your partner has to divide time between you and a child can be quite the culture shock. There is inevitably going to be awkwardness at some stages and the potential of real conflict. Of course, this is highly dependent upon everyone’s willingness and ability to adapt.

Another factor is how much you are willing to reorganize your own life priorities. In an ideal world, you and he fall in love, you love the kid, the kid loves you and everybody gets along. Well, by that, you’ve just created a little family. Are you ready for a family? Some things change when you have a family. Travelling, something you mentioned, is a lot different when kids are involved.

Okay, this sounds really negative, but here’s another thing to consider: if he’s a good parent, then chances are he’s a good person. It isn’t a foolproof thing, but if someone treats their kids well, they are more likely to be good to their partners too. And really, there’s only one sure way to test this out: give him a shot. If you are okay with the possibility of another wee person coming into your life, try it out. However, if you have trepidations of how that little one will impact you, then it is best to move on.