Q: I can’t imagine our question is unique at all, but we really need some help. My wife and I are both around 30, both happy, both sexy. But we’re not having sex. Or, barely having sex. And there’s a great big reason why, well two reasons. They’re 1 and 3 years old and they rule our lives. Yup, the kids are totally getting in the way of our sex life. I’m actually surprised the second even came along! But with both of us working, both of us parenting and both of us trying to be decent human beings, there is no time left in the day for us to actually connect sexually. One or the other of us usually passes out before the other finishes the tasks of the day. Sometimes we wake each other up... but that isn’t really fair as sleep is at a premium around here. So, how do we actually find some adult sexy time in this madhouse!
A: No, sadly, your question isn’t unique at all, but it is still important. One of the main reasons couples lose intimacy is the presence of wee ones. Bless their sweet, little, good-time ruining hearts. You’re completely right, at the end of the day it can be really hard to want to get into a sexy session—never mind if childcare is also part of the equation!
You actually took my first suggestion right out of my brain. Waking sex can be really hot for those whose schedules just don’t line up. It can be a little treat to be woken up by some hot oral action or other delicious acts. But, this kind of sex can’t become the norm and it does lack some intimate connection.
Another idea I propose is liberal time for masturbation. Hear me out: if you or your partner take the time to slip into the bedroom and enjoy some self-love while the other fully knows what is happening, you’re both likely to get majorly turned on. Well, the person who is getting off certainly will and the person who knows what is going on behind the closed door can just imagine the pleasure being had in there. This knowledge and curiosity can be drawn out as a tease throughout the rest of the evening until the kiddos are down for the night. The tease just might be enough to maintain an edge of passion that will just have to be fulfilled, regardless of whether you’re tired or not!
A second thought is ensuring you keep the sexy talk flowing through the day. Whether that be verbally or via text, try to fan the flames of excitement with compliments and innuendo—or even outright demands for pleasure later on that night. Surprise and shock each other. Use the talk/sexting to explore fantasy ideas, possibly before you’ve even tried them. This, again, is a delicious tease that can carry past messy dinners, screaming baths and bedtime story after bedtime story.
One last bit of advice: don’t be too hard on yourselves or each other. This is just a phase that will pass. They grow up, they get bored of being around you and you’ll suddenly find lots of time for other things to do. Hang in there!
Jon Pressick is the sex community's international gadabout and Cherry Banana's writer in residence. An award-winning sex writer and blogger, Jon is the editor of the critically-acclaimed Best Sex Writing of the Year, Volume 1. He is a frequent contributor to Cherry Banana with a range of sex-related content and his writing has appeared in numerous magazines and books, as well as all across the Internet. Jon is also a co-host and producer of the long-running sex radio show Sex City. You can keep up with his many sex-related articles here at Cherry Banana or at his own blog, Sex in Words.
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