Q&A: Sex Hurts, What Should I Do?

Q: My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and we have a fantastic sex life. Well, we did, until a couple months ago. On top of a lot of different things stressing me out, it started to hurt every time we are intimate. This didn’t happen at all during the first big part of our relationship, but we took a short break for a few weeks, got back together and then a few weeks after that, my vagina began hurting almost every time he’s inside of me (and sometimes when he’s not). I’ve not gone to the doctor yet, hoping it would just go away. But it is not and it is starting to ruin our sex life. It is starting to make me worry that he’ll leave me again.

A: I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Heartbreak is the only pain worse than pain in your nether regions, and it looks like you’re potentially dealing with both. Have you and your boyfriend spoken much about the situation? Have you told him what is happening to you, or are you just gritting your teeth and taking one for the team by continuing to have sex with him? It is important you two talk and know what is happening with each other’s health. You can both reassure each other that this is nobody’s fault...unless it is…

Pain during intercourse can be reoccurring for a woman in a number of different ways. Some reasons have to do with habits and can be easily taken care of. Others do require the help of a doctor.

Let’s look at some simple fixes. Are the two of you getting down with enough foreplay before he tries to enter you? Do you feel you have enough vaginal lubrication happening when he’s trying to get in there? If you are too dry when he inserts his penis into you, your vagina is potentially being irritated and if this is happening over and over, that is bound to be quite sore! Women go through different stages of producing their own lube that depends on their health, mental health, age and more. You can try to seek more foreplay or different types of stimulation while you two are starting out (porn? role play? BDSM?) to get the juices flowing. Or you can invest in the most useful tool that everyone should have in their bedrooms: lube. Personal lubricant is an essential item in everyone’s pleasure chest that makes sex so much easier and nicer.

If you don’t think lubrication or pre-excitement are a problem, then it is time to make a doctor’s appointment. There are health concerns, particular to women, that could be the cause and your doctor can help you sort this out. Yeast infections, endometriosis, irritable bowel syndrome—all of these can contribute to vaginal pain and need to be addressed.

There is one other situation that could have brought on this pain. You mention that you and your partner took a break, and then the pain started after you got back together. Do you know if he slept with anyone else in the time you weren’t together? Did you get with anybody else? This is a conversation that needs to happen in conjunction with a trip to the doctor. You (and he) may be dealing with a sexually transmitted infection such as herpes, Have a talk and make the call.