Mum's Outrage Over Teddy Bear Cake

When did we all become so afraid of sex? How did society get its collective panties so twisted into a bunch that decorative teddy bears on the top of a child’s cake becomes the target of some uptight fool’s fear and scorn?

So, a mother orders a christening cake for her daughter’s big day. When the tasty baked good arrived, the mother was shocked! Aghasted! Traumatized because it featured small bears with a crease. A crease so devilishly placed as to resemble a vulva.

OH MY! Think of the children!

Yup, the sex-mongering bakeshop was so intent on turning the christening into a bacchanalian orgy of perversion and deviance that they gave the sweet, innocent teddy bears a full-on wet-and-ready vagina.

Or not.

Or the bear just has a little line in the middle of the bottom of its belly. You know, like most sewn teddy bears actually have to keep their stuffing from spilling out all over the place?

So, customer demands a refund. Rightfully so, the shop refused, but they did try to appease the nattering fool by placing small, edible flowers to maintain the bear's modesty. Okay, I can’t decide if that part is hilarious or a silly way to make nice with an idiot. But still, they tried, and apparently that wasn’t good enough. The host refused to serve the cake to guests!

Now, let’s consider this. I’d love to know what the rest of this disgruntled cake eater’s day is like. What does she purchase, what ads does she look at? Does she frequent shops and restaurants that are known to use sex in their advertising? Does she hope her little darling will compete in pageants? Given that it was a christening, we’ll presume she attends church - does she know what her vicar’s been up to?

Okay, this is getting a little extreme, but the point is this: there are a lot of scary things in the world. Sex is a glorious, wondrous and awesome part of our lives, but as with anything else involving humans, it can become corrupt and dangerous. That we are also so good at subliminal messaging and influencing others with sexual imagery and conditioning is also frightening.

But these are teddy bears. These are simply decorations on a kid’s cake, the same type of cake that other families have enjoyed for years.

And even if it were a vulva - what’s the problem? Bears have cubs through vaginal live births. While, I would wonder what this customer knows about the placement of bear anatomy, this bear vag would actually be a teaching moment. “Look dear, this is where other cute little teddy bears could come out! Then there’ll be more teddy bears to cuddle and snuggle and love!”

Don’t we all want more teddy bears!?

Clearly this is not a case of letting her have her bear cake and eat it too. No pun intended at all.