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Q&A: I Have A Workplace Crush

Q&A: I Have A Workplace Crush

Q: Okay, I realize I might be making a much bigger deal out of this than I need to. I am in a long-term, awesome, committed relationship. My girlfriend Jenn is amazing. We never fight. We rarely disagree. We have open and considered conversations. The sex is fantastic. We always have lots of fun. But I also have the biggest crush on my coworker. When Alison enters a room for a meeting, I blush. I’ve been thinking of more and more reasons to visit her area of the building even though I don’t have to for my job. There’s nothing there, she’s in a relationship too and hasn’t once given any indication of reciprocal feelings. What are my feelings anyway? I do know I spend a lot of time fantasizing about Alison, even when I am with Jenn. Even when we’re having sex. Is this going to ruin us?

A: There are two simple answers to your question: yes it will ruin your relationship and no, it will not ruin your relationship. There is tremendous potential that the pendulum could swing either way. But that is entirely up to you.

Workplace crushes are as common as workplace anger. When you think of it, we spend more time with our colleagues than we do with our families. And not only that, we generally have to go through many of the same emotions with our coworkers as we do our families. In some places, we celebrate birthdays and promotions together, as well as deal with each other’s anger and disappointment. It is only natural that close bonds grow, as well as feelings.

But what, really, are your feelings for Alison? Are they contained to lust because you find her physically attractive? Or are they deeper because you have an emotional connection? Or both? Determining this reality might go a long way to sorting out your feelings and how to deal with them.

At this point, from what you write, your situation is pretty simple: you do not seem like you’re actually interested in pursuing something with Alison. You love Jenn. You are considerate of Jenn. Yes, your mind wanders and for some people, that is a danger sign. Not in my book though. I’ll posit that it just makes you human.

There is a belief that even looking at another person while you are in a relationship is a form of cheating. Really? I’m sorry, but I can’t help but feel that is ridiculous. We are always going to notice people who are attractive. Just like we’re always going to notice cookies, sports cars and beautiful art. Our world is full of many beautiful things, including people. It is only natural that we will gravitate toward those things and people that attract us. From that, we’ll think about them. And we’ll fantasize. It doesn’t mean we’ll eat that cookie or bring that art home. But we’ll enjoy the thought. Fantasy is a wonderful stimulant and as long as that fantasy doesn’t start to interfere with your reality—do not live the cliche and shout out Alison’s name in bed!—you and Jenn with be just fine.

About Jon Pressick
Jon Pressick

Jon Pressick is the sex community's international gadabout and Cherry Banana's writer in residence. An award-winning sex writer and blogger, Jon is the editor of the critically-acclaimed Best Sex Writing of the Year, Volume 1. He is a frequent contributor to Cherry Banana with a range of sex-related content and his writing has appeared in numerous magazines and books, as well as all across the Internet. Jon is also a co-host and producer of the long-running sex radio show Sex City. You can keep up with his many sex-related articles here at Cherry Banana or at his own blog, Sex in Words.

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