Q & A: Navigating Sex Through Injury and Illness

Q:We have been in a loving, caring sex-filled relationship for over twenty years. We’ve seen each other through many difficult, stressful times, but we always make it through. I love my wife dearly, but right now we’re in the hardest time of our lives. You see, she’s been dealing with chronic illness and pain from injuries suffered in a fall over a year ago. Her life has been significantly changed. And while I am not trying to minimize her suffering, my life has changed as well. She still wants sex and desires sex, but she can rarely have sex. She wants to please me and be pleasured herself, but her poorly-healed broken bones make almost every act a painful experience. Fortunately, her physiotherapy is coming along and we hope she regain most of her former vigour in the future. But what can we do in the meantime?

A:There’s no denying that you and your wife are in a hard spot. Her more than you, of course, but body changes through illness and injury do have a significant impact on both people in a relationship. While you are not and should not be the focus of recovery efforts, your desires do come into play as the two of you continue your life journey together.

But let me stress again—the path for both of you needs to lead through her recovery and needs and take little journeys into your care. All too often people forget the significant toll injury and illness can take on a person and they are then seen as selfish or demanding. If your relationship is as strong and loving as it seems, this can probably go without saying. But it is something to be aware of. If you want your groin in the right place, your heart needs to be there first.

That said, from what I gather, there’s nothing preventing you from enjoying sex at this point, while your wife is prevented from physical pleasure by significant pain. Have the two considered taking your sexual experiences in a more cerebral direction—that might also include low impact, low movement sexual play?

Would it be too frustrating to tease each other? Would she enjoy that? Talk to each other about sex. Send naughty sexts and emails that describe the things you’d like to do to each other once her recovery progresses. Read erotica together. Watch porn together. Stimulate each other’s sexual brains.

However, this should only be done if the two of you can “get off” on the idea of turning each other on...and then letting those thoughts hang. Remember, sex is primarily between the ears and orgasm isn’t everything. Sure, climaxing is great, but the experience of being sexual with another person does not always culminate in release. That said, if either of you find the experience too much to handle, including being too much of a tease and no physical satisfaction, then this might not be the best plan. If could build resentment in the situation from either of you.

If/when her recovery gets to a point where physical contact is possible, start off slow with mutual masturbation. She touches her, you touch you. Watch or listen in the pitch dark. There is a lot of amazing potential in mutual masturbation that makes it a great option for folks with physical challenges.

Best of luck to you and your wife. I hope she has a speedy recovery!