The Grinch Who Stole Sex Toys

There are plenty of low down and dirty criminal activities that happen every day. But stealing toys has to be considered one of the most despicable of all. Remember when The Grinch did it because his heart was too sizes to small? Toys are supposed to be loved and enjoyed, not sullied by the hands of thieves. Think of the children!

Wait...what? The stolen toys were sex toys? Someone stole a bunch of sex toys?

I am still outraged! And my previous argument stands even if we’re not talking about kids’ toys anymore. Adult toys are pretty damn important too!

Seriously, I have to wonder about the motivation for stealing such a quantity of sexual products. When I think of products that might have “fallen off the truck” that you buy from a guy named Rodney who meets you down behind the abandoned factory down near the river, I just don’t think of sex products being in very high demand. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe there is a Black Market for sex toys.

This really doesn’t seem very like though Maybe, like,50 years ago. There are so many ways for all of us to access and buy sex products—from SUPER HIGH QUALITY WEBSITES to great sex shops and even right from the manufacturers themselves. Back in the day, it used to be hard to buy sex toys. But really, it isn’t anymore. The internet and a more sex positive world is making getting your hands on these items easier all of the time.

So, let’s wonder what their motivation could have possibly been. Here are a few scenarios:

• The toys were stolen to fulfill the wishes of a dying man. All he ever wanted was to fill a hot tub full of dildos and dongs and just dive in Scrooge McDuck style. Just roll around and wallow in all of that sexy goodness. We hope he fulfilled his wish.
• Perhaps there is a roving gang of sex educators out there who hope to help people with their sex lives, kind of like a group of kinky Santas. Maybe they’re planning to give these devices away to people who could really use an extra zing in the bedroom.
• I don’t want to turn this negative, but maybe a super villain has finally invented the ultimate weapon that will enslave humanity and position him as the ultimate presence of evil. And that weapon? That dastardly creation? It is powered by the collected force of all of the sex toys. Putting them together created just the right ionic-destabilizing frequency to drop this bomb on the human race. We’ll be powerless. I am actually afraid.

Or maybe some thugs saw an opportunity to steal some product with the hope of selling it to stores for some quick cash. Really, this is a shame. Making it in the sex product business is hard work and it really sucks that this manufacturer got ripped off. Hopefully these real-life Grinches get caught.