Consent: A True Sex Essential

Let’s talk about consent.

I know this space is usually reserved for lots of different sex tips and advice. But trust, understanding consent is one of the most important skills you can learn in today's dating, relationship and sexual world.

Consent has been on everybody’s minds and lips—but it is much more than a buzzword. The amount people are talking about is, hopefully, a testament to the idea that we are finally taking sexual rights and responsibilities serious. We’re finally confronting the past wrongs of interpersonal relations. We’re finally recognizing that all people deserve respect.

Get real

There’s no real way to sugarcoat this and I wouldn’t do that even if there were. We have treated each other like shit, in communication and in violation. And women have endured—and continue to deal with—the vast majority of issues related to consent: catcalling, inappropriate touching, date rape, sexual assault, rape and so much more. So if I speak to a specific gender divide here, that’s why. Men have to learn that how they’ve been raised needs to change and that they need to do better. That includes changing their own behaviour and calling out other men on their consent violations.

So, what do you need to know about consent. Well, it ultimately boils down to “if she says no, don’t do it.” This applies to everything! It isn’t just focused on a woman saying no to sex, it means not trying to speak to her when she tells you she’s not interested, it means not trying to dance up on her in a club, it means not calling her derogatory names when she rebuffs your advances, it means not pressuring her with manipulative tactics to get your way. It means not being a dick.

Important for everyone

An important thing to remember is that consent issues happen in all manner of relationships. It is just as possible to be a dick when you’re complete strangers as it is after being married for 40 years. Proceeding to act in any way with another person without their complete, explicit and stated consent is a violation of their rights as a person. This has got to stop.

So, how can we stop and then create a culture of active and enthusiastic consent? Well, as with many other sexual problems, the key is in communication. To ensure that you are acting properly and that you and your partner are fully invested in your moments together, you have to get better at talking and listening.

If we’re talking about a situation involving people already in a relationship, be sure that you are both asking and listening. Unless your partner has already stated a desire to do something sexual with you, then ask if they would like to before you proceed. And, if they say no, then drop it. Don’t do it, don’t push it, don’t ask again.

If you are considering approaching someone new, do so with respect and ask if she would be interested in talking with you. Maybe this moves forward, maybe it doesn’t go anywhere. If she says no...walk away. If she says yes...proceed as a good person and always remember about acting and listening.