Q: I am really at my wit’s end. Like most people, my husband and I used to have an amazing sex life. We could barely keep our hands off each other (and rarely did). We were adventurous, we were always trying new things. We didn’t like them all but we also found many kinks we shared and enjoyed together. But that is all in the past. We’ve been together for 22 years and rarely have sex. And when we do, it lacks all of the intensity and passion of our former years. This is not to say we don’t have sex lives. Like anyone else who isn’t getting physical affection, I do enjoy masturbating on occasion. My husband, on the other hand, has rediscovered passion and intensity...but only with himself. He masturbates all the time. We don’t go to bed together anymore, he is always off stroking himself before coming to bed. And he does it in the morning. And even in the evening too, now that our kids have moved out. Why won’t he spend any of that sexual energy on me?
A: Oh, how difficult it can be when our sexual selves change over time. How difficult it can be on us as we come to understand our new needs and desires. How difficult it can be on our partners when they don’t necessarily understand why we do things differently—or not at all.
The change in your sexual relationship with your husband is not unusual. Many couples drift apart as they age. There are many different reasons for this. They can be changes considered good in some ways, such as being so comfortable and friendly with each other that sex takes a backseat for other types of fun. Unfortunately, these changes can also be the result of negative circumstances including hard feelings between each other or even falling out of love.
From your question, it is hard to say if any of these circumstances are affecting your love life, but the main negative factor seems to be the resentment that is growing within you. And that is serious enough.
What makes this situation more curious is that your husband is definitely still sexual, but he prefers to play on his own. The main question that needs to be asked is whether you have asked him why he prefers masturbation to partnered sex. I’d love to know his thoughts on this and how he reacts to you asking him. Maybe it is not a conscious decision to prefer alone time. Maybe he doesn’t realize the confusion he is causing you. Communication is key to this situation and I hope you are taking the initiative to discuss the situation with him.
But I do need to leave you with something else. There is a budding term for those folks who prefer masturbation to fucking: solosexual. Solosexuals are happy and content to pursue a sex life with just themselves, truly enjoying and desiring masturbation over other sexual pursuits. Am I suggesting your husband is now solosexual? No, but it could be something to discuss together.
Jon Pressick is the sex community's international gadabout and Cherry Banana's writer in residence. An award-winning sex writer and blogger, Jon is the editor of the critically-acclaimed Best Sex Writing of the Year, Volume 1. He is a frequent contributor to Cherry Banana with a range of sex-related content and his writing has appeared in numerous magazines and books, as well as all across the Internet. Jon is also a co-host and producer of the long-running sex radio show Sex City. You can keep up with his many sex-related articles here at Cherry Banana or at his own blog, Sex in Words.
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