Q&A: What Should I Hit My Husband With?

Q: My husband and I are new to BDSM. We’ve been reading a lot about different types of toys and different types of sensations, but we’re not sure where to start. He is the one who wants to receive the pain and I will be the one giving it. This excites me, but I am unsure about what I should use. And I am a little bit afraid of hurting him. Just because we want to do these things doesn’t mean I want to injure him! So, what are the best whips or crops or whatever we should start out with?

A: Impact play is, indeed, a rather intimidating (no pun intended) world to enter when you’re just starting out. Sex that involves pain or discomfort or challenging situations among caring individuals is a difficult idea to negotiate. It really goes against many of our ingrained relationship constructs. We don’t want to hurt the people we love!

Now, when you start out, there are lots of things to consider. In case you haven’t learned in your exploration, different toys and implements perform differently. Simply put: some hurt, some hurt more and some hurt a whole lot more! When you are just starting out and aren’t quite sure what you can handle doing, it is important to know what toys to what!

Candles and wax

One of the best ways to start exploring pain play is to start with some simple candles and wax. To be clear though, it is best to use candles that are actually meant for sex and not your everyday dinner table candles. Two different kinds of wax and the regular ones do burn hotter. So, stick with some sexy ones instead! The pain from hot wax is sharp, but short-lived. As the Top, you can control how little or much wax gets poured on your partner’s body.

Paddles

Paddles create a very similar sensation to that of spanking. Paddles disperse the painful hit over a wider area of the body part you focus on. They look big and intimidating, but if you are hitting properly, the sensation will be strong, but not greatly intense. Of course, if you’re swinging for the stars, anything is possible, but paddles are a great way to ramp up intensity.

Whips and floggers

Moving on, if you and your partner are up for it, the next iteration of intensity are whips and floggers. They work on the same principle as paddles, with some having a number of individual strings. Collectively, they disperse the pain. However, because there are distinct impact points, there is some increase pain. And as the number of strings lessens, the pain increases.

Crops and canes

Crops and canes are advances level impact play equipment. If this is what you and your partner move towards, great! You’re going to have a lot of fun. However, unlike paddles and floggers, a single swing from a crop or cane can be significantly painful. And if your partner isn’t fully ready for it, it can put an end to the sexytime fun. Be sure to work your way up to a crop or a cane and then take lots of practice swings, testing and trying.

And remember, be sure to talk lots before, during and after you play. Impact play requires constant communication and checking in.