Q: I am really confused. My husband and I have a fantastic sex life. If you read all of the statistics in women’s magazines like I do, you’ll know that our 4-5 times per week is far above average for people our age. We’ve been together for 15 years, married for 14. We knew we were perfect together right from the start and sex was one of the factors that truly bonded us. We’re fun, we’re kinky, we have lots of orgasms. So, I don’t really know why my husband wants to buy a sex doll. Considering how active we are, that we have lots of toys and that neither of us is particularly reserved, why does he want one and why am I feeling conflicted about it?
A: There is a whole lot to unpack here. It seems to me that you have some feelings of inadequacy. But not the typical “I’m not good enough for him” type of insecurity that, unfortunately, plagues women because of our current sex culture. There is some of that, but the main problem seems to be that you are having difficulty feeling inadequate to yourself.
Throughout our lives, we all build our unique sexual personalities. And this process should be ongoing. Unfortunately, this is contrary to what society wants us to believe our sex lives should be. We’re supposed to be very straightforward: fuck, have babies, don’t be wild.
On the other hand, our sexual desires are most often fluid throughout our lives. We hear about new things, we grow and build a better understanding of our burgeoning sexual desires. Erotica, porn, popular culture—all of these can influence our desires and our wants to try new things. And, of course, we also have innate desires that can be hardwired into our minds and libidos.
From the way you describe your relationship with your husband, it seems you’re both adventurous and fun. It sounds like you both like to try new things. Of course, I hope you’ve asked him why he wants a sex doll, but it might have a lot to do with the fact that sex dolls are all over the news and internet these days. Sex dolls and robots are huge cultural phenomena right now. If your husband is a trailblazing type, he probably just wants to try the newest sensation to hit the market.
Now, your feelings are a little more complex. This might sound a little trite, but you mentioned that you and hubby have a number of sex toys. Is a sex doll any different? Granted, for some guys out there, they are, but for the majority of folks, a sex doll is no different than a stroker or a dildo or a vibrator. A means to an end and that end is an orgasm.
Now, another issue could be that you have a visceral reaction to sex dolls. They are a challenging product because of their appearance and the sexual politics that could conflate women to being objects. These are valid concerns because you feel them. If this is the situation, I hope you can talk to your husband about how having a sex doll in the home might affect you. Maybe talking through your feelings will help him understand your discomfort. Or, perhaps hearing his reasoning might alleviate some of your concern.
Jon Pressick is the sex community's international gadabout and Cherry Banana's writer in residence. An award-winning sex writer and blogger, Jon is the editor of the critically-acclaimed Best Sex Writing of the Year, Volume 1. He is a frequent contributor to Cherry Banana with a range of sex-related content and his writing has appeared in numerous magazines and books, as well as all across the Internet. Jon is also a co-host and producer of the long-running sex radio show Sex City. You can keep up with his many sex-related articles here at Cherry Banana or at his own blog, Sex in Words.
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