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Q&A: Should We Bring A Man Into Our Bed?

Q&A: Should We Bring A Man Into Our Bed?

Q: My girlfriend and I have been in a committed relationship for over 10 years. We did the whole stereotypical lesbian thing: we met, we moved in, we got cats. Over that time we’ve had a very good relationship with very few issues of concerns. And we’ve had great sex! We are open and enjoy many things about each other’s bodies. But we have been with each other exclusively for 10 years. So when the idea of exploring a threesome came up, both of us understood that we were just looking for different sexual thrills, not trying to replace the other. We’re good on that front. However, when we started fantasizing about who might be a good fit with us in bed, I was pretty surprised by some of her suggestions. Some of our really hot friends were there, and that made sense. But when she suggested one of our male-identified friends, I was shocked. Neither of us are so-called “gold-star” lesbians, but we’ve both identified as dykes exclusively for so long—well before we got together. And for some reason, despite not batting an eye at any woman’s name, the thought of sharing her with a man made me uncomfortable. We’ve yet to address the suggestion. I just nervously chuckled and changed the subject.

A: The planned threesome might be one of the trickiest situations to try and navigate. Whenever a couple spend time and offer up names for carnal consideration, there are bound to be some feathers ruffled, in some manner. I tell ya, collectively picking up someone in a club or bar, a pick up out of circumstance, is likely to be much easier to deal with. Sure, the person might not be either of your fantasy partner, but if everyone has fun, that is alright.

The planned threesome can be an exercise in walking on eggshells. There are many different factors that come into play, and sexuality is definitely one of them. In your situation, there is nothing wrong with your girlfriend’s suggestion or your reaction. Even though she has identified as a lesbian for some amount of time, if she is curious about having sex with a man again, that’s okay. And it doesn’t seem like you’re upset about that. It seems like you’re upset about her suggestion to bring a man into your specific sexual relationship.

And there’s a lot to that. It is understandable if you don’t want to be sexually involved with a man. It is okay for you to worry about her being exposed to male sexuality again. It is okay for you to wonder how that arrangement would even work. The key is communicating these fears to her.

It sounds like the conversation might have come to a grinding halt. Time to reopen it—after you’ve examined your feelings about your own interest in a man being involved in your threesome. And then you need to be able to listen to her reasons. When you understand her motivations, the two of you will be better able to plan the threesome of your dreams.

About Jon Pressick
Jon Pressick

Jon Pressick is the sex community's international gadabout and Cherry Banana's writer in residence. An award-winning sex writer and blogger, Jon is the editor of the critically-acclaimed Best Sex Writing of the Year, Volume 1. He is a frequent contributor to Cherry Banana with a range of sex-related content and his writing has appeared in numerous magazines and books, as well as all across the Internet. Jon is also a co-host and producer of the long-running sex radio show Sex City. You can keep up with his many sex-related articles here at Cherry Banana or at his own blog, Sex in Words.

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