Can Exes Be Friends With Benefits?

Sometimes relationships just don’t work out. Whether the split is amicable or not, it is important to realize when it is time to move along to, hopefully something better. It might suck, but c’est la vie.

However, you have created an intimacy with this person and even if you don’t really like each other anymore, those intimate feelings can still manifest into sexual desire. And sleeping with your ex—particularly on an ongoing basis—can be a very tricky situation to navigate. I’m not saying it can’t be done and you might have some fantastic sex, but it could lead to some difficult times.

Is FWB possible?

In order to make any kind of friends with benefits arrangement work, both parties needs to be clear and good at expressing boundaries and respecting boundaries. You should be able to tell your sex buddy the things you want and expect out of your arrangement without any worry or fear of being judged. At the same time, you need to be able to offer the same respect in return. With these basics in place, the two of may need to be open to see each other with other partners, having dates and engaging in other sex.

All of this makes for great opportunity to expand both your compassion and compersion for others. If you can accept and respect your ex with benefits doing these things, then you’re in a pretty great place in terms of general relationship dynamics. However, remember that you’ve had a relationship with this person. And while there might not be hard feelings at first, in creating this arrangement you are, once again, establishing a relationship with your ex. It may be different, it may be fresh and new, but it is still a relationship. And relationships rarely exist in a vacuum.

Even if your goal is just to have sex on occasion in v2.0, it could get very challenging to let go of all of the relationship issues you experienced the first time around. While we can always hope for the best, chances are that neither you nor your ex have really changed all that much, so it is altogether likely you will notice some of the traits and habits and personality that might have started to turn you off. Sure, the body might still be smoking and they might turn you on like nobody’s business, but you will need to determine if you can deal with those aspects of this person and just get it on.

Handling rekindled feelings

And of course, what happens if the feels start again? What if one of you decides that your break-up was a mistake and hopes to rekindle v1.0—and the other has no interest in reigniting the flame. This is, at best, awkward and at worst, heartbreaking all over again. Are you ready to be on either end of the situation? Because this is someone you previously had feelings for, if those feelings re-emerge, shutting them down again to just have sex could prove to be very difficult.

So while it isn’t an impossible thing—some people break up and remain good friends—engaging an ex in a friends with benefits situation could be problematic to say the least. Probably better to hit the open waters for new pleasures.