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Q&A: Swinging or Poly?

Q&A: Swinging or Poly?

Q:Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: My wife and I just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary and we’re looking to spice up our marriage. We’ve got a great sex life, very fulfilling and very adventurous. That’s the thing, we’re always looking for more. The other night, she asked me what I thought about swinging. I confessed I hadn’t ever thought anything about it! We’ve been monogamous all this time and I know nothing about swinging or polyamory or any of these other terms. She said she’d be interested in trying it, but I need more information.

A: Congratulations on your anniversary! These days there aren’t many who stay together long enough to mark such a milestone. And congrats on considering what some call The Lifestyle! Not everyone can make that work either, but some do and have a great time with it.

You are absolutely correct that there are many different words and phrases that describe the many different versions of “having sex with someone who is not my spouse.” And it can be confusing to try and navigate all of the differences. This site offers a very handy and exhaustive list of the many variations, from very detailed to more broad definitions. You might want to keep it ready for when you and your wife talk more.

But let’s get to the meat of it. You’ve heard of swinging and you’ve heard of polyamory. Both involve some aspect of a sexual relationship with one or more people who are not your partner. There is, however, one key difference: an emotional relationship.

Swinging is the less emotionally involved of the two relationship models. Swinging is pretty much just for sexual thrills and kicks. This can mean having a regular booty call, having another couple with whom you have playdates or even hosting a key party or going to a swingers’ party. Sure, you’ll probably bond with people you’re having sex with, but you’re not looking to establish romantic ties that lead to a more full relationship.

Polyamory, on the other hand, is much more than just sex. If we break the word down, “poly-” means many or more and “-amory” means love. You literally want more love and this can be a great thing. It can also be a big challenge and adjustment for couples. Sure, there is likely still a sexual element, but it isn’t necessarily the reason why this new relationship exists—or even started. Some polyamorous relationships involve all partners together and some just involve one of the people from the couple and the new person—there is no connection between the other partner and the new person.

Hopefully that clears up the definitions and you can get those straight because considering a poly or swinging lifestyle is a big challenge, especially for a couple that has been monogamous for so long. The key is to discuss the possibilities together as much as possible. Talk so much it becomes uninteresting before you even try. And then, after you take your first foray into The Lifestyle, talk a whole bunch more. Just keep talking about your feelings...when you’re not too busy feeling eachother.

About Jon Pressick
Jon Pressick

Jon Pressick is the sex community's international gadabout and Cherry Banana's writer in residence. An award-winning sex writer and blogger, Jon is the editor of the critically-acclaimed Best Sex Writing of the Year, Volume 1. He is a frequent contributor to Cherry Banana with a range of sex-related content and his writing has appeared in numerous magazines and books, as well as all across the Internet. Jon is also a co-host and producer of the long-running sex radio show Sex City. You can keep up with his many sex-related articles here at Cherry Banana or at his own blog, Sex in Words.

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