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Take Care With Safewords

Take Care With Safewords

You like it rough. Your partner likes it rough. You like to take it. Your partner likes to dish it out. You wear your submissive status on your sleeve and your partner’s dominance is divine in their devious smile.

Sounds like a match made in BDSM heaven, right? Sound like you two are made for each other and the play and sex is going to be phenomenal. You have the right balance in a BDSM dynamic and that is crucial.

But there is one more important thing to consider: communication. And, more specifically, your plan to use safewords.

What are safewords?

Safewords are designated words that are used in sexual situations—particularly BDSM play—to indicate needs. The most common needs that are projected with safewords are ‘go’, ‘slow down’ and ‘stop.’ Safewords indicate to your partner your comfort level with an action or scene and whether you want to continue.

The idea of safewords is a great one, but sometimes people have a hard time putting them into use. So many of us have had it ingrained that we just don’t communicate our needs to our partners during sex. All too often people just accept what is happening and get through it. And then maybe talk about it afterward.

Safewords are meant to ensure this does not happen, and are particularly valuable in situations that involve pain play. While I’m definitely not suggesting you put up with any uncomfortable situation, you definitely do not want to take a chance with scenes that could result in injury.

So, how do you start using safewords? Well, the first thing you have to do is actually pick your safewords! It may seem natural to use words such as ‘yes’, ‘no’, ‘stop’, ‘go’ and direct action words that we are all familiar with. However, if you are into any kind of consensual violent play, ‘no’ might actually mean ‘yes’! And you don’t want to confuse things.

Picking the right words

To avoid this problem, it is recommended that you use words that are completely out of the sexual realm. Words that would be total nonsense in a sexual context. Words such as pineapple, car, red. It really does not matter what the words are, they key is to remember what words you’ve used for what type of action. It is also helpful if the words you choose are short and easy to say. Remember, you might be in the middle of some pretty hot and heavy action and you don’t want to be tripping over your words if things take a turn you don’t want or like.

The other major consideration is ensuring you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to safewords—especially if there is a power dynamic in your relationship. The key is that both partners need to respect and do whatever is indicated by the safeword. There is no room for negotiations, no potential for misinterpretation and absolutely no acceptance of one partner thinking “but it looked like you were having fun so I did it anyway.” Zero tolerance.

The use of safewords really just boils down to communication. It is shorthand for navigating sex and relationships. It is talking, but using few words. And it is crucial.

About Jon Pressick
Jon Pressick

Jon Pressick is the sex community's international gadabout and Cherry Banana's writer in residence. An award-winning sex writer and blogger, Jon is the editor of the critically-acclaimed Best Sex Writing of the Year, Volume 1. He is a frequent contributor to Cherry Banana with a range of sex-related content and his writing has appeared in numerous magazines and books, as well as all across the Internet. Jon is also a co-host and producer of the long-running sex radio show Sex City. You can keep up with his many sex-related articles here at Cherry Banana or at his own blog, Sex in Words.

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